therapiddecline:

It’s always the same nightmare.

A cold, dark parking garage.

There are four levels.

I am walking to my car.

Where is my car?

I don’t remember which floor I parked on.

I believe it was the third floor. I can’t take the elevator or he will find me.

The last thing I need is to walk into a…

I feel as though the balance is gone. I’ll never be able to regain that feeling. With that said I do not think this blog needs me any longer. Majority, if not all, of the things i’ve written on here were in a way connected to someone. It serves as a haunting reminder that the puzzle pieces never did quite fit right. From here I create and write for myself. Just not on this platform. Somewhere a bit more secluded. Maybe one day you’ll find it and understand. it was therapiddecline that I couldn’t stop. I will miss the memories that are already turning grey.

It doesn’t feel real anymore. There is a clutter of perfect ways to describe the inconsistency in our love. But why start listing them when I’m obviously wrong? If I am always playing the victim how am I always the bad guy? If I hold you back, why do you come back? The tension has a firm grip around my neck and head. Slowly squeezing, a soft reminder that my mind is ready to burst. My heart would applaud this outcome just so it would suffer less. I don’t know where to go from here. What is the cure?

The words used to mean “I will always cherish you and make you happy.”

Now they just mean “I hope these three words keep us together a bit longer.”

I just want this sinking feeling to go away. I just want to get back to where we were. But will you ever let us?

I think that getting your hopes up is some form of disease. All that longing, the anticipation, the urge to get it as quick as possible. But that feeling can never be satisfied. When you get it, it’s not what you imagined. It gives you a sinking feeling to know that it didn’t live up to all you hoped it could be. Now empty, still anxious. What do you look forward to next?

I don’t know where to go from here. I have never felt so strong for someone in my entire life and to lose them is much more than I can handle. It puts my life in perspective. All I’ve ever wanted was to meet someone and have them love me as much as I loved them. Then I finally meet her. She is beautiful, funny and seemingly everything I’d ever dreamt of. My soul mate. But some how her love for me fades with every change of mood. I am heart broken day after day. Trying to gain a love that maybe she never had for me.

So now I reflect on my life. Who I am. Why I am nothing.

27, single, a shit job and nothing worth living for.

This heart still beats but it is lacking a purpose.

I am just an outline because she was my color.